(*the way I would like to)
I planned from the beginning to breastfeed LJ. It was one of those, “Of course that’s what I’ll do” type of things. I wasn’t set on how long – that part would just depend – but I knew I wanted to do it while I was home with him.
I wasn’t counting on my breasts not cooperating with this plan of action.
The night he was born I tried to nurse him a couple of times and it didn’t really work. He wasn’t latching and I was sore, exhausted and really didn’t have a clue what I was doing. The next day, the lactation consultant came for a visit. We worked on his latch for a bit, and she realized that my breast anatomy was the root of the problem. She was very encouraging and set me up with nipple shields and a breast pump to hopefully get the ball rolling.
Later that night, at around 1:30 a.m., LJ and I figured it out. He latched like a champ and “nursed” for quite a while. I was so proud of us for figuring it out! (Or so I thought…)
The next morning I woke up and it felt (and looked) like someone lit two campfires on my nipples. I tried to nurse him again and it was so painful it lasted about 30 seconds. A different lactation consultant came that day and we spent almost an hour trying to figure out what was going on. The problem wasn’t LJ – he had an excellent latch and excellent sucking power – it was me. Basically, he can’t get my nipples far enough into his mouth to activate the system.
We were told that we needed to use formula for his primary nutrition until we got the nursing thing figured out. Also, I was put on “nipple rest” for 24 hours so they could heal. That didn’t really bother me – by that point I was far more concerned about my son getting the nutrition he needed than I was the source of said nutrition.
The lactation consultant provided a breastfeeding plan – nurse + bottle + pump – and said that they would follow up in a few days to see how things were going.
It’s been a few days. And it’s not going.
I lost a lot of blood during the delivery. So I have blood loss exhaustion on top of new mommy exhaustion. I have been solely focused on taking care of LJ and resting in between. As you might imagine, nurse + bottle + pump every 2-3 hours is not really an option. I don’t have the patience, energy or emotional fortitude right now to keep up with it.
I’ve tried to nurse him a few times. He takes right to it and continues to have an excellent latch and sucking power. But nothing gets to him and he falls asleep after 5 minutes as a result. LJ is not impressed.
My milk showed up Saturday afternoon with all the grace of a cement truck landing on my chest. My breasts are sore, full and rock hard. I pump a couple times a day. Basically whenever I can muster up the patience to do it. I want to throw the dumb thing out the window. It’s just a reminder that breastfeeding isn’t working and it makes me feel like a failure that I’m not able to give my son the “best” nutritional start. I am getting maybe a half ounce out of each one when I pump. It looks so pitiful in the tiny little bottle.
I’m waiting for the lactation consultant to give me a call today so we can talk about next steps. I don’t know what to do. I want the breastfeeding to work, but at the same time it’s so much work and right now I just don’t have the energy to try to force it to happen.
The two most important things right now are that LJ gets the nutrition he needs and that I am able to make a full recovery from his delivery. Bottle feeding is what works right now. It’s easy, less time consuming and LJ prefers it. I can get some extra rest because someone else can feed him. (He loved getting bottles from Grandpa this weekend – they are already great buddies!)
My mom has been amazingly supportive and helpful with this whole situation. She has said over and over that I’m not a bad mom if I can’t breastfeed him and that he will grow up just has healthy on formula. Deep down, I know this is true. It’s just really hard when there is pressure (perceived or otherwise) that “breast is best.” And I know my new mommy hormones are not helping the situation.
So we’ll see. I know I need to make a decision over the next couple of days. And I know this post is one big vent, but I feel better after writing it.
To be continued…
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