Mom Life

The big question when you go check on your sleeping child is not whether or not he’s breathing, but whether or not he’s still clothed.

Your mom asks what you want to do while they’re in town and you reply with, “Make my child disappear for a few hours so I can clean the house and organize a few closets.”

You get really excited when your child’s teacher reports how much the kids are loving Peppa Pig books because it means that, finally, you might be able to watch something other than Bubble Guppies on TV.

The drive-thru asks if you want a free cup of coffee with your biscuit and you accidentally reply, “Hell yes!” instead of “Yes, please.”

It takes 15 minutes to navigate the 7 feet from the car door into the house because your child has to: inspect the lawn equipment, try on his yard gloves, sit on his bike, ask why there are leaves in the garage, close both van doors, open and close them again, open the stepstool so he can reach the garage door opener, close the garage, neatly fold the stepstool, ask why the stroller is propped against the wall and then, at long last, head into the house.

You’ve just settled yourself comfortably on the couch for the evening when you hear a loud voice upstairs saying, “I NEED SOME CHOCOLATE MILK PLEASE!” #noyoudonot But you have to get up anyway and appease the request with boring old white milk. 10 minutes later, you hear the sippy cup thud off the wall.

You feel quite smug buying a package of identical pairs of white crew socks for your child only to find out that it’s still a really tough decision to decide which pair should be worn for the day.

You are carefully following your child’s very specific instructions about how to move the cars from the tray and down the car track to the parking area – and then realize it’s several minutes later, your child is in the other room, and you are still following those very specific instructions.

You find yourself saying inane things like “We don’t bring the lawnmower in the house!” or “You may only use your hammer on the carpet!”